April 8, 2010 mcfadyena


I’d forgotten hell could look so friendly and sunny and full of smiling people. I looked out the window while I was sobbing and talking to Carolyn on the phone, and saw my neighbor out in the beautiful sunshine, in the middle of a friendly conversation with a person passing by. I should have known by now that hell can look like this, since I’ve been plunged into it so many times, and it does become familiar quickly once you’re back, but when you’re not in hell, you forget, just a bit, what it’s like.
Dr. Muenzer called with Trey’s development test results. They are lower than last July. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean anything, because why would anyone want to give me specific answers when I’ve been wondering and waiting for over 4 years, but it is possible this represents a decline in Trey’s development. I don’t have the energy to give more detail, but it does mean we will be going back to UNC for more developmental tests.
I also wonder how many times the carpet can be pulled out from under you before you collapse. I keep getting up, but the more it happens, the more I wonder. The really ironic part of it, having been through this so many times before and still being here, sitting here typing, is that unless I ended my own life or got cancer or had a heart attack or something similar (which, if you read the literature, parents of “special needs” children have skyrocketed rates of cancer, another thing to look forward to), this can just keep on happening. Now, obviously, I’m in the depths of it right now, and obviously I don’t have a choice but to get up and keep going, but it does feel like it’s getting harder. It’s like this sick joke that someone keeps playing on me over and over and over for years and years and years and I keep falling for it. But what makes it worse is that there’s no one I can ask to stop doing it.
Fortunately, Jen was able to slap (over the phone and in a good way ;)) some sense into me. That will help when I try to fall asleep tonight. Jen, thanks. I just wish I had recorded it to play back to you for when you call me. Cause it was perfect.
Mich, Ry, mom, Carolyn, and Jen, thanks for being there today. I needed it.


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